Understanding Grief and Loss

Understanding Grief and Loss

Written by Morgan McCoy, Coastal Center for Collaborative Health blog writer


When you hear the terms grief and loss often what comes to mind is the death of a loved one. While this is a specific and very painful experience there are other forms of grief and loss as well. You may experience feelings of grief and loss while going through a divorce or the end of a relationship, estrangement from family, transitioning into a new phase of life, moving to a new place, or receiving a medical diagnosis. According to grief expert David Kessler, “the worst loss is always your loss.” Comparing your losses to others is common but isn’t beneficial to anyone’s healing, your own personal experiences with loss will always carry the most pain and weight for you. While the theories below have a focus on the death of a loved one, they can be transferrable to any experience with grief and loss.


Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler have created a framework for supporting people through recognizing and normalizing common experiences during the grief process. While these stages often aren’t linear or simple, this framework may provide some comfort to you as you navigate what can be an isolating and overwhelming experience.


Stages of Grief:



For more information around these stages of grief you may be interested in the books: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss and Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.


Bowlby’s Attachment Theory of Grief 


Bowlby’s attachment theory believes that you have a need to attach to your caregivers as a child for survival and guidance, and grief occurs when you could not access these people that you needed to care for you emotionally, physically, and psychologically. As an adult you ended up learning and internalizing how to relate to others based off the relationship patterns formed as a child. This can help explain how and why people grieve differently. 



According to Bowlby there are four natural stages of mourning which include:


For more information on Bowlby’s attachment theory click here 


Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement


According to Margaret Stoebe and Henk Schut there are two important parts to grieving, one is loss-oriented and the other is restoration oriented.



It can be natural and normal to go back and forth in confronting a loss and avoiding it and experiencing your grief in smaller more manageable amounts. There can be shame associated with not diving into your grief bravely headfirst, this theory provides compassion and understanding that grief can come in waves and rebuilding can co-exist concurrently with grief rather than in ordered stages. 


For more information on the dual process model click here.


Seeking Support


While grief and loss are a universal experience ironically grief is rarely discussed in our society, and it can feel taboo and come with feelings of shame and awkwardness. An important part of grief and loss can be being witnessed, validated, and supported in it so you don’t feel even more isolated in your grief. A way to get some support in going through loss is grief counseling with an individual therapist or in a group. 


For help finding a mental health provider click here.