Embedded Files
New Client Request Form
How to Engage in Healthy Conflict
Written by Morgan McCoy, Coastal Center for Collaborative Health blog writer
Conflict is often thought of as a dirty word in our society, understandably so because many of us aren’t taught or given the tools to engage in it safely and constructively. When we learn that conflict can be unsafe and create disconnection many of us in result tend to avoid it. Conflict, difference in perspective and constructive disagreement is also where growth, change and progress happen and without it, stagnancy and dishonesty can occur. There are many very real factors that contribute to our fears and barriers to engaging in healthy conflict. Some of those factors include power imbalances and oppression making conflict more dangerous for some marginalized populations than others, healthy conflict not being modeled in early upbringing, fear of abandonment or rejection, trauma and nervous system responses, societal messages, and a scarcity mindset (a belief that there’s limited resources that we need to fight for). Below I’m going to go over healthy conflict communication strategies that can start making disagreement and difference an exciting opportunity for growth and connection.
If you are experiencing interpersonal violence staying in a relationship and trying to work things out can put you in more danger and these communication strategies are not advised and will not work. To find out if you are affected by interpersonal violence and want guidance around what to do click here.
Boundaries and Consequences
Resentment builds when we don’t clarify our relationship expectations, needs, wants and boundaries. When we no longer expect others to mind read about our relationships beliefs and become more comfortable voicing our needs it’s a safe bet our anger and resentment in those relationships will decrease. It’s not an easy feat though, especially if we were criticized, punished, or ignored when trying to get our needs met as a child. Some people have internalized that simply having relationship needs is a weakness and might suppress them or not know how to listen for them. Boundaries are an important part of relationships, and we can implement and keep them without ever using the word boundaries. A common misconception around boundaries is that other people need to understand them for them to be implemented and useful. It’s common for people to stop trying to voice their needs when another person doesn’t understand them and doesn’t respect them after they’re voiced. That’s when consequences in relationships are a natural part of life and are a necessary ingredient for longevity in relationships.
There’s also a misconception that boundaries only benefit the person implementing them. If we always jump to help or cater to another no matter what we are ultimately enabling them to be dependent on us and making them more helpless to solve their problems without us. According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend “to rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless,” (p.43). If you struggle to accept other people’s boundaries, you may have difficulty with taking responsibility. Taking responsibility can feel frightening and intimidating and you do have the choice to ask for help, support, and resources. When we can rely on more than just one person for support, we can create safety in our support networks. Not always being available to people ultimately can help to encourage them to widen their support networks. Widening your support network is intimidating but ultimately empowering. It’s natural to give and take in relationships, and there may be times where you or someone else needs more support than another. It’s when support giving starts to feel nonreciprocal and not a relationship dynamic you consented to when implementing boundaries may be helpful.
For more information about boundaries check out the book Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
If you’re starting to feel resentful it may be an indicator that something may need to change. Below is a communication strategy outlined to try:
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) DEAR MAN Skill
Describe
Describe the facts of the current situation. Tell the person what you are reacting to. Describe their behaviors in a specific way using an example.
“The last three times we have spent time together you were one to two hours late.”
Express
Express your feelings about the situation. Stating how you feel versus making accusations fosters empathy and reduces defensiveness.
“I feel hurt and rejected, tired from sitting for a long time, and confused when it happens.”
Assert
Identify exactly what you would like to change or be different and ask for it.
“Could you let me know earlier in the week when you won’t be able to make our plans in time?”
Reinforce
Explain the positive effects of this solution, and if needed the negative consequences of not getting what you need. This is when you can clarify a consequence. When deciding a consequence think about the outcome that naturally follows from a choice or behavior.
“If you let me know earlier when you have schedule changes, I will be able to be more present and engaged when we meet and spend time together. I’ll be more aware of your needs and can reschedule when I can. If this happens in the future, I will wait 15 minutes and then I’m going to let you know that I’m going to go back home.”
Mindful
Be mindful of staying with the topic at hand. It’s advised to not bring up other issues that you have with this person that is not relevant to what you initially brought up and would like to solve. If the receiving person brings up other issues, gently redirect them to the subject at hand and reassure them there will be other opportunities for them to voice other topics.
“I understand you have your own concerns you’d like to address, and you might not want to talk about this right now, but it’s important to me, and I’d like to address it. Can we please focus on this for a few minutes and address your concerns in the future?”
Appear
Appear confident, even if you don’t feel that way. Practice using a confident tone of voice, holding your body up straight, and making eye contact.
Negotiate
Be willing to compromise, while knowing what your limits are of what you’re willing to accept. Meeting people halfway is a vital skill in conflict resolution.
“I understand you have unexpected schedule changes due to the nature of your job; we can compromise, and I can meet your request of having you tell me the night before whether or not you’re able to make it.”
Here are more resources around DBT DEAR MAN:
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/dear-man.php
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/dbt-dear-man
Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and their Antidotes
The researchers and psychologists Julie Schwartz Gottman and John M. Gottman have identified communication styles that predict relationship failure: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each also has an “antidote” to combat these four horsemen. Below the four horsemen are explained with their antidotes. While this theory was created for romantic couples it can be transferable and apply to other relationships in your life.
Criticism is a focus on blame and judgment. It’s attacking someone’s character rather than having a focus on changeable behaviors. This is a sure-fire way to be met with defensiveness. Criticizing someone’s character leaves no room for change and progress.
Antidote: If you’re feeling critical try a “gentle startup.” Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs with a gentle and warm tone and body language. Focus on the problem and not the person.
“I feel (emotion) when this (undesirable behavior) happens. Could you please (request)?”
Contempt can include insults, sarcasm, disgust, anger, and hostility. It involves putting someone down to make the other person feel better than.
Antidote: If you’re feeling contempt try to share fondness and admiration. If you tend to feel superior to others, ask yourself what is the other person doing right? What growth have you observed in their behaviors? This can be through showing affection, appreciation, acknowledging strengths, positive reinforcement and giving compliments.
Can include making excuses for behavior and shifting blame to someone else and refusing to try to understand another person’s perspective.
Antidote: If you’re feeling defensive try to take responsibility. Own up to your behavior and use feedback as an opportunity to improve. Find something helpful in the feedback and areas that you agree with and apologize. Listen to understand and not to just respond or defend. Over time you will come to feel how taking responsibility can be empowering and a sign of strength and not a weakness. Taking responsibility can give us a sense of control and ownership in our lives.
Includes withdrawing from a conversation, going silent, unexpectedly leaving, shutting down and refusing to engage. This is common when someone feels overwhelmed with emotions and doesn’t know how to handle it.
Antidote: Use self-soothing. You don’t need to force yourself to have a conversation that your body and emotions are refusing to have, but going silent, storming off, glaring, and using other non-verbal communication makes another person feel punished and not know why making them feel anxious and hypervigilant to your emotions. When you feel yourself shutting down it’s important to communicate that you are not in the right headspace, it’s not the other person’s fault and you need to take a pause in the conversation, and you will initiate it later. If you ask for a break in an important conversation and if you don’t initiate coming back to the conversation later, the other person’s needs are left unheard and unresolved. You can take a break to use self-soothing skills. Self-soothing skills can include deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, guided meditation, visualization, DBT distress tolerance skills and more.
“I need to take a break from this conversation because I’m feeling overwhelmed and want to talk about this in a place where I’m emotionally regulated and levelheaded. I’ll initiate this conversation later tomorrow when I feel calmer and more grounded.”
“Thank you for bringing this up. I’m going to take a day and think about what you’ve said and then I’ll respond.”
Genuine Apologizing
Many of us may have been hearing the word “apology” since a young age and on first thought it may seem like a simple concept. We might have been told to just apologize when facing relationship challenges and things will be all better. But what does an apology entail? I think many of us can agree getting an ingenuine apology is worse than no apology at all and can make the hurt sting even more. So how do we do it?
On Brené Brown’s Podcast “Unlocking Us”(2020) According to the clinical psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner author of Why won’t you Apologize there are nine parts of a genuine apology:
“Does not include the word “but”
Using the words “I’m sorry but” can act as a way of shifting blame or making justifications or excuses for our hurtful actions. Think back to our antidote for defensiveness which is taking responsibility. Even if you think the other person has wronged you, using it during an apology is inappropriate. Decide ahead of time what the purpose or goal of the interaction is, if it’s not to apologize maybe it could be a time to shift your language to show your true intentions.
“Keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response”
Have you ever been told “I’m sorry if you felt upset?” Does that language rub you the wrong way? If it does, you’re not alone. Focusing on the other person’s response to your actions shifts the blame to their response to you. Similarly to the first rule, a true apology requires ownership of our actions. For example, “I’m sorry for what I did, it was hurtful. I take responsibility for my actions.”
“Includes an offer or reparation or restitution that fits the situation”
An example of this is if you broke something important to someone offer to replace it, pay for it, or purchase a new one.
“Does not overdo”
Avoid putting yourself in the role of the victim who therefore needs care and emotional support from the hurt party you are apologizing to. An example of this is crying to the point that someone needs to comfort you or saying “I’m the worst person ever, I can’t do anything right!”
“Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it”
If you are apologizing because you want the other person to apologize as well, it’s not a sincere apology. Even if there’s things the other person did not do perfectly, own up to where you feel like you did wrong. Even if the other person did not own up to their mistakes in the situation it can be empowering to take responsibility for the parts you feel you can take ownership of. Decide beforehand, is the purpose to confront or to apologize?
“Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance”
Has someone ever apologized to you but the behavior they were apologizing for persisted the same? Feel how that feels, does that feel like a sincere apology? When apologizing come up with a plan and vocalize how you are going to implement new behaviors.
“Should not serve to silence”
Apologizing can be healing but it doesn’t make someone’s pain go away. It doesn’t immediately repair trust. Time and consistent changed behavior are the magic ingredients to an apology that lands as true. A sincere apology is not used to shut down a conversation or prevent someone from expressing their feelings.
“Shouldn’t be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse”
If someone has expressed the boundary that they do not want to see or hear from you, respect it. Sometimes the best thing for someone is to separate from the person who hurt them. If you feel remorse and don’t know what to do with it there are other ways to heal. Learn from your self-reflection and implement what you’ve learned into new relationships.
“Does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive”
An apology is a gift without expectation.
Circle of Care
Dr. Carmen Knudson-Martin is the creator of the theory Socio Emotional Relationship Therapy (SERT). This theory can serve as a framework of understanding of how social and cultural factors and power dynamics influence relationships and contribute to relationship challenges. This theory believes that all relationships are inherently inequitable due to the different social, financial, racial, ethnicity, gender, age, religious, sexual, and ability statuses we have in different environments and situations. The goal of this theory is not for people to be complacent with these inequities and it's certainly not to ignore them. The goal is for people in relationships to be curious and aware of the inequities that exist between them, identify them, and have the mutual goal of working towards making their relationship dynamic more equitable with the help of this awareness. Equality is about treating everyone the same, equity is about being aware that we don’t all start on equal footing. A couples therapist with a SERT lens wouldn’t always give partners in a couple the same amount of time to speak, they would give the person who rarely speaks the time to speak more to counteract that inequity by giving them more relational responsibility. SERT’s “Circle of Care” addresses four key areas to work towards to build more equity within relationships:
Mutual vulnerability
The person in a relationship who never shares vulnerable emotions has an unequitable amount of power in a relationship dynamic. If one person is always disclosing personal information and the other is not a way to work towards equity is the person who is hesitant to share vulnerability to work towards becoming more comfortable expressing emotion. Another way to balance out the relationship would be for the person sharing more vulnerability to make more boundaries with themselves with what they express.
Mutual attunement
Mutual attunement is when both people in a relationship are aware of and responsive to each other’s emotional needs and their experiences. It requires being aware of who that person is and being sensitive to them. While we shouldn’t be expected to read minds, both parties should be attentive and aware of each other. If one person has more awareness than another, the goal is for the person less attune to work towards attunement.
Mutual influence
Have you ever recommended a book or movie to someone, and they go and read or watch it the next day? Doesn’t that feel good? This shows that you have the ability to influence them. In relationships with inequitable influence one person has more ability to influence another person’s opinions and behaviors more than another. A teacher and student dynamic inherently has inequitable influence and that serves a purpose. When your relationships with friends or romantic partners start to feel like that, there’s a chance that there’s an unequitable power dynamic.
Shared relational responsibility
Shared relational responsibility does not mean tit for tat. It means both people putting time and effort into a relationship, which can be done in many ways. Maybe one person likes planning and the other person likes initiating. When relational responsibility is not shared relationships start to feel nonreciprocal.
I hope these tools can be used to start making conflict feel less taboo and scary and can help it feel more like exciting opportunities for growth, progress, change and connection. It can be helpful to get more support and guidance when using these tools from a therapist.
Report abuse